And the winner is...Sydney! Within three hours of being in Sydney we had a Russell Crowe sighting (extra points because he was wearing a rabbitohs jersey) offered drugs in broad daylight with a cop only metres away. Saw a man laughing hysterically to himself whilst walking down the street about 10 strip clubs on the same block with skank hoes who dress like its 40 degree heat and as many American navy seals you can poke a stick at. But firstly what is with the lack of bins in sydney? Is it just me or when you actually can be screwed to put something in the bin than just throw it on the ground you can't phyisically find a bin BUT the place is damn tidy? Every person we met that was nice and decent didn't actually come from Sydney or was there on a holiday. One bus driver told us to get off his bus when we weren't even at the location whilst we wandered around amicably for a good while to get our bearings. One bus drove straight past us. Most people didn't speak English. The cabbies drive like freakin maniacs. We almost got into a crash on the way back to the airport in our shuttle bus. We met an irishman, a bloke from Adelaide who insisted that a green chicken meal was his meal of choice from McDonalds. A mexican who told us this every time he opened his mouth. An Australian Navy Seal who bummed a smoke off Morgan. Several American navy seals (one who could try out for American Idol Iowa next year). And about 10 homeless people all with their wacky traits. One thing give money to street performers especially pommy ones who do awesome juggling tricks on bikes and then ask for your money in the most cleverest forms. "If you are a schizophrenic...please give twice". If you're ever in Sydney head down to Circular Quay and see this guy outside the ferries he's a great laugh. He has a wife 40 children and his dog is pregnant also so keep a look out for her. I also found out that you can ask people for money for the lamest reasons. One bloke had a sign saying 'money for a manic depressant' and he had his head in his hands. What an absolute joke. Go and eat tubs of ice cream like the rest of us. Another guy told me I was 'cool' and that I should give him money. Considering he had on a pair of shoes that are only months old as they were a new model and would cost rrp of $270 I decided the fight wasn't worth it. Don't go into the Royal Botanic Gardens. If you don't want to age a thousand years walking up hills and deciding which path to take, be a wanker and pronounce scientific names of plants to impress people or wander around hopelessly looking for a toilet. For the love of all things holy just say no. If you get a chance to see a rock band at Aussie Stadium. DO IT. The sound is like nothing you have ever heard before. Best take a spare pair of undies with you. Live Earth was fantastic. The bands were phenomenal. Crowded House kicked more ass than I have ever seen be kicked (and I have been to fortitude valley). Joel saw morgan and I dance like a loon behind his accoustic and smiled. I paid $4.30 for a 600ml coke. Three times. I saw a girl pass out and everyone point and laugh. I made Chris the winner from the Biggest loser sway in a hippy rhythmic succession and clap like a weirdo and didn't even know who he was until someone pointed it out. Don't buy pies from Aussie Stadium unless you want to spend the next day praying to the porclain god. Mars bars can feed any hunger. That and Wolfmother. When looking online for a hotel,the picture will always look better than in real life. Hot water in showers is optional. Leaving keys in doors over night will happen if you stay with me. I paid $7.50 for a pizza the size of Compact disc and waited 35 minutes for it. Thomas from Big Brother is a huge bitch. Emma from Big Brother has the biggest nose, tv doesn't do it justice. American Navy seals think every Australian is a 'rig'. If you have a scarf I will take it. I am rather brilliant with tin foil and making animals out of it. I think I am addicted to Sandwiches. Finding a 7/11 in Kings Cross is like finding a hair on Peter Garretts head. I have never been so happy to see a 7/11 in all my life. Thank you Elizabeth Street. They have a Supre' store that is 5 storeys high. woah people. WOAH. I could go on for ever. But overall looking at the pro's and con's of Sydney. I had a great time and I can't wait to go back. Not just for the Krispy Kremes but the whole atmosphere and the different culture. From the plane trip at some ungodly hour of a morning, the dero's who frequent sydney, come in at 10:25am for breakfast and then stay till after 10:30am for lunch in one meal sitting, moshing and dancing into complete randoms because you just 'love this song!' to experiencing buses and trains in kings cross, surviving the trip back to the airport to finally come home to Coolie on a 10 degree tarmac. Best.holiday.ever. And the winner is...SYDNEY!

ATTN: Mike Brady from the brady bunch Dear Mike Brady, I have just finished watching the episode "Sorry, right number" from your show "The Brady Bunch". I have just a couple of things to say. First of all grow a fucking backbone! You let your 6 grommits make 10 phone calls a day about some bullshit when they can talk to their friends at school the next day. Not to mention they have 5 other kids to play with, a rad backyard with a massive dog, a trampoline, Hessian sack races!!! What more do you spolit little brats want? Your dad is an architect surely there isn't enough centrelink to support all your whinging asses? Not to mention Jan should receive counselling. Second you put a pay phone in your house?? Are you retarded? Unplug the god damn phone! Yell at them! Stop taking pills and kick out of your sedated state and actually talk to your kids. It's the 70's, don't be afraid to get your belt out and beat them silly, that was ripe back then! Next thing Alice. Fire her. She's the one that came up with the idea of the pay phone and is spooning with the butcher. Big. Mistake. Next thing you know it he's over at your place with a meat cleaver and is a squatter in your house. Next thing Bobby and Cindy. They shit me. Cindy can't even talk properly and Bobby is annoying as all hell. They offer no entertainment value and can be likened to hitting your head against the wall and biting down on your tongue so you talk with a lisp and look demented. For the love of all things holy I mean go nuts! Get drunk, wear your pants lower than under your chin and just break out. No one is that perfect! Thank you for your time Sincerely Brooke McMaster

The Art of smuggling Alcohol: Part Two You know what?... I was going to wait until next week to deliver this little puppy, but after having so many comments from people wanting to know about the second part I thought I would write it now... I mentioned at the end of the last part to this alcohol smuggling extravaganza that there were some other methods of getting alcohol into the ground, and these were (in no particular order) the 'Boot-Flask', the 'Hermit', the 'Sheep', a method to get over 150 litres of beer in, and I also forgot to mention possibly the best method ever of guaranteeing hard spirits at the ground. "Woah..." I can hear you thinking from here, "this gal is a tomb of knowledge". Yes, yes, I know. Now geez, I was going to put them all in but holy crap this is long so I'll do the final ones in part 3. Woah, it's almost like 'Back to the Future!'. The Boot-Flask: Ahh yes the old boot-flask method. This method is a little out-there and may only be attempted by people with so much spare time and tools that they feel they need to do this method so that I can say "Damn, you're good". Also may suit arts students who claim that they are always 'swamped' when in fact they barely rake in 10 hours of schooling a week. Champions. This method is pretty much exactly what I have called it, it's when you turn your boot (shoe), into a flask (liquid holding vessel), hence the name 'Boot-Flask'. Cryptic. I believe this method was much more popular back in the 80's (when people wore big soled shoes), and since those 'golden years', this great method has died a rather tragic death largely due to the introduction of the skate shoe and the ever popular jandal. "Shame..." I hear you all saying. Well, don't get so upset just yet, because due to the brand 'Pulp' and 'kmart special' this trend of smuggling alcohol in your shoes is making a comeback, big-time. Thanks has to go out here to Asian people and short people, because without your gene-pool the world would have never had a reason to invent a sole of 3 inches high in the 21st century. Perhaps NASA had something to do with it? Anyway, these brands of shoes have more uses than you first thought. Sure, they are used by midgets to enable them to get on the roller-coaster at rainbows end, and are used by 16 year-olds trying to get into the pub, but have you ever thought about how much piss the soles could hold if you could bore them out? Bingo. Jackpot. Hey Presto. Just think of disco Stu's goldfish shoes in the Simpsons, clearly the guy was ahead of his time in the boot-flask method. And next time you see a whole bunch of Asians or extremely short people at the cricket surrounding one severely drunk supporter, you will think to yourself, "ahhh, the old boot-flask"... The Hermit: The Hermit gets it's ancient origins from the hunchback of notre-dame. Have you ever thought to yourself, "Wow! That guy is so hunch backed he looks like a camel". Maybe then, your brain dropped a gear, hit the boost, and linked this thought to..."hey, don't camels hold their water in their humps?" After a lengthy stay at the library you will have proved yourself correct. Yes, camels hold water in their humps. True story. This brings us around to the notion of holding water (or anything else that you can drink), in your hunched-back. Now, instead of getting grand-dad and boring out his hunch, you can replicate this effectively by yourself. Simply take a quick trip down to R&R Sport and purchase yourself a 'Camel Back'. It's like a back pack which is actually a large pouch to put liquid in. Fill it up, put it on and hunch baby hunch. For added effect, put on a grey wig, grab a walking stick and whack small children outside the cricket ground. You will be home and hosed. Until next time chums xox

The Art of smuggling alcohol: Part 1 "The Sheep" Sparked by a round of backyard cricket and some perhaps still slightly intoxicated and some extremely hungover beings I have realised it doesn't matter who you are alcohol supply is not endless it has also come to my attention that it is damn near impossible to play cricket in a tarago... It got me to thinking and also some riveting conversation... It is of course every cricket fans greatest pleasure to go to the cricket and get completely chopped. Whether you end up even watching the game, or whether you end up getting arrested and taken away by our loving friends the Police (cite Brooke Big Day Out, 2006), is an entirely different matter. But one thing remains constant when we go to the cricket (or insert sporting event hither)...that is we like to have many, many, many drinks in the hot sun. This of course leads us to needing copious amounts of money if we intend buying all our beer there. Hell, even if we manage to smuggle in some alcohol, the smuggled stocks still run out long before play ends. Which leads us to the next question of... How can I smuggle enough beer for a whole day? The answer is simple. The Sheep. What is the sheep, Brooke? You may cry well sit down children and I'll tell you a story. The Sheep is actually a keg dressed up to look like a sheep. Clever. You see, it is actually extremely easy to dress a keg up like a sheep. Now you might be thinking... "this is ridiculous, how can one person carry a keg easily under one arm and not look suspicious..." Well the answer to that question is simple. Put the completed sheep in a 4-wheeled trolley with a handle to pull it. This is very important. The security guards will think you are true farmers from Shannon Noll country; Condobolin or wheverer the bogan hails, and have brought with you a true New Zealand mascot! (although you may be bashed for actually having a new zealand mascot but explain it is for freaky voodoo like shit or just tell them you have a keg of piss and if they shut up they can have a drop) Once inside the gate, send someone back out to get the ice and fill the trolley completely. This will keep your sheep nice and chilled all day long. To make this really authentic, put a name on it like "Andrew Stockdale" (the guy with the shaggy hair from Wolfmother) and turn the trolley into a mobile pen. Or if you want to take 2 kegs, dress the other up as a pig, and call it "Kevin Rudd". Brilliant. More ideas on smuggling alcohol including the boot-flask and the hermit to come so stay looney tuned xox

Hey there, this is the first entry into your personal blog on FasterLouder and anyone will be able to read it. We want to hear what really goes on in your head, so give us an insight into your world. To edit your first post, click below. To add your second post, click 'Add Post' on the right.